Top of the World

When I started doing this Chef or Death thing, it was a project that everyone that knew me – I mean, REALLY knew me had been begging, suggesting, and requiring of me forever. They knew that it was ‘in me’ to do this. It was my ‘calling’. Someone who is passionate and driven to do whatever was in my heart, they would say. Someone with a voice that would speak no matter the outcome. Someone that sees the world in a different light. Maybe sees the truth. Someone who would say what “we all were thinking”. So, that’s what I did. And, it feels wonderful. Like Top of the World shit. Like I’m invincible, without flaws, working within a universe that had been agonizingly signaling me to ‘appear’, that I was truth. Authentic. Me. I was finally, ME.

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Credit:Andrii Salivon – Fotolia

I had seen a therapist/friend that helped guide this energy to what you all know now as Chef or Death. I had a lot to work on, and work out. And she saved me. Or rather, helped me save myself. It was work. Incredibly painful work. She helped awaken me. I’m forever in her debt. We saved a life – my life.

The Universe has a way of giving, and by no means does it ever take away. Ever. If you want to substitute the word God for this energy – then go right ahead. I just use the word Universe because ‘God’ evokes different emotions and meanings for others. The Universe wants you to use your gifts, and it’s disappointed when you don’t. Do you ever have your deepest desires realized out of nowhere? Like, when you finally decide to take action on that desire – all of a sudden – it all just comes together. That’s exactly what happened to me. It’s a real thing, and I avoided it for so long that the rest of my life was shit. And I made everyone else’s life shit. Nothing made me happy, all of my problems where being thrust upon me by other forces, I was supposed to walk down this golden path forever! I’m just supposed to be successful! I’m fucking special!! Everyone told me I’m special!! That’s how I was living. I fought that energy, and it almost killed me.

Now, the Universe can only provide so much; what you take from it is up to you. When it gives you a gift (that you asked for!!) and you destroy it – then the Universe has a way of making you…or, remind you – that you received a gift. Sort of like a lesson. “I gave you what you wanted, and it was delivered to you because you said you were ready – so what the fuck did you do with it? Why did you screw it up? What an asshole you are”.

So, this week I got stupid and did stupid ‘Old’ Eric stuff and fucked up my gift. The Universe keeps giving me help – and I think I can “Take it from here, thanks”. I damaged my gift like a child – and I’m afraid I can’t repair it.

I don’t feel very Top of the World right now. I’ve been reminded that I’m NOT invincible, I’m very flawed, and I’m working within a universe that is still agonizingly signaling me to ‘appear’. And that’s the truth.

I’m not perfect and neither are you. It’s ok. It’s just an incredibly empty feeling when you were all filled up. I hope I can work this out with my gift. I think my gift needs to take some time off away from me. I hope it comes back. I miss it terribly.

“Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here” – MJK/Tool

I love you

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