It happens out of desperation. That feeling when you’ve had enough. Some in recovery call it ‘Hitting Rock Bottom’. For many, that sensation isn’t finding yourself in legal trouble, a decline in your health or bank account, but an overall feeling of ‘this just isn’t who I thought I’d end up being’ or in my case, I just got sick of my shit. I couldn’t forgive myself any longer. My ‘Give me one more chance, and I’ll show you’ moments had passed. It was time too look inward and give whatever was in there it’s due.
We celebrated Chef or Death’s 1st anniversary in August this year. And looking back, the show was a way for me to exercise a new way of living my life. In many ways, it changed me for the better. And, in some ways, for the worse. While all of this was going on I didn’t really have time to work on my shit. I just did my show and hoped that what I was doing was going to somehow show me that I was a good guy. That I was capable of doing something positive. But, just doing something profound, and not totally identifying with it, hurt me. By no means am I saying what the show is about was a falsehood – It was not. It was a chance for me to be the person I always knew I could, and should be.
The issue is, that I’m sometimes not that person in my personal life. Skipping over the hard stuff and passing over someone else’s needs were boiling to the surface. It’s hard to trust someone when you still don’t fully trust yourself. I pass off complements about my show, because I still don’t fully love myself. It’s tough. For some reason, I still think the universe is conspiring against me. But, hopefully this next year will help me change that.
I’m a hard worker and expect greatness from myself. That’s a good starting point. I need to give myself credit, celebrate my wins, and engage with others in a softer manner.
She has a ‘Love Hard’ sticker on her water bottle. I used to think I knew what that meant. I clearly do not.
Maybe, that statement will reveal it’s true meaning to me this coming year.
I hope so.
Have a happy new year. I love you.